Still to this day, I remember every last inch of finger traces that were placed on my bare body. I still remember my newly tattered clothing, incorporating little recognition of polka dot patterns that were once there five minutes before. Then and there, things went black; blacker than the coffee I drank previously in the night, in preparation to see one of my favorite bands with friends. If only I hadn’t ran back to the car to grab my wallet.
I remember coming to reconciliation by my eyes, forcing them open as if there was a weight holding each lid shut. The taste of blood reached the tip of my tongue. Lightheaded and traumatized, I glanced down at my blue jeans. Blood dripped onto my shoes and graced the rubble in the dark ally. Sore and breathless, I forced my fingers into my underpants. Then and there, I knew it was true. I wanted to scream, but the words wouldn’t reach my mouth. I. I was. I was raped.
If I had known then what I know now, I wouldn’t have thereafter gone into a state of depression. I wouldn’t have been that socially awkward girl in middle school, nor would I have blamed myself for what had happened.
At the time, I didn’t know there were people available to help. In fact, I went years without telling my parents simply because I felt I were the one to blame. My parents always had told me to go out in groups, but I had went back to my friends car alone to find my wallet. Somehow in my head, I came to the rationalization that it were my fault; I were to blame. The rapist wouldn’t be found, and I wasn’t going to have a child because he hadn’t entered me in that department, so what was the worry? Feeling as if I was alone, I isolated myself, thoughts, and emotions. Depression overcame my self-doubt and I began experimenting with anorexia and bulimia, weighing the lowest of 59 pounds at the age 16.
Finally at the age of 18, I realized it wasn’t my fault. I had a professor at the time who unknowingly made me realize that I couldn’t do anything to change the past, but I could seek a positive future and enlighten those who were in the same shoes. Instead of dwelling on my past, I began embracing it, seeking for statistics, answers, and guidance in fabricating a better future for myself.
Did you know that somewhere in America, 1.3 women are raped every minute. That results in 78 rapes each hour, 1,872 rapes each day, 56,160 rapes each month and 683,280 rapes each year. Did you know, 1 out of 3 American women will be sexually assaulted in her lifetime? I hadn’t known, but I do now.
Instead of purchasing baggy clothes to cover my once gauntly figure, I began eating at my college’s café, Scoozi’s, where I sat alone digesting my food and new books I checked out at the school’s library. I began praying more, soaking up endless Bible verses and quotes during my lunch breaks, read about Mother Teresa, partook in the Christian Ministries Group for my college, and searched up non-profit organizations that made an influence for teens that were in the same boat as I once was. Womens’ Centers Ohio is a non-profit organization that stood out most to me, incorporating insight, support, and guidance to those have been raped, especially those correlated to a younger demographic.
Looking back now, I wish I would have realized all the tools, guidance, non-profit organizations, and support that would have been there if I pursued it. Unfortunately, only 37% of all rapes are reported to the police, and only 26% of all rapes or attempted rapes are being reported to law enforcement officials.
For all you parents out there, I encourage you to speak with your child about rape, and emphasize the importance of sharing their feelings. Never disregard behavioral changes from your child or loved one. I’d personally like to recommend visiting Womens’ Centers Ohio at www.womenscenterohio.com. If you have a daughter, have her read this article and view the recommended site as well.
With a new mindset, guidance and support from God, I have successfully adapted to all means of a new lifestyle. Instead of being ashamed of my past, I look at it as a life experience. I can now have an empathetic nature for those who have been in similar situations, and hopefully I can help those around me. I currently have a 4.00 in college, a one of a kind internship, good head on my shoulders, and am steering in the right path for success.
Although pain is inevitable, suffering is a choice. Don’t allow what happened to me in the past happen to those around you.
